Apparently, I Have Problems

I fell asleep with the TV on last night, which isn't unusual. I can sleep perfectly well with the TV and reading lamp on, and sometimes even with a cup of coffee balanced on my chest. But last night I went to sleep with the TV tuned to the Ovation channel - Martin Scorcese was holding forth on the subject of movies that influenced him, and while I can't say I really dote on what Martin Scorcese thinks, it was interesting (read harmless) background for what I was really doing, namely, leafing through old magazines.

But sometime after I fell asleep, Martin was replaced by a great surfeit of paid programming, and when I woke up this morning, I imagined myself to have no end of bad vibes. Bad credit, halitosis, insomnia, an inability to use glucosamine, torn this-and-that membranes in my joints, arthritis, type-2 diabetes, tax problems, and who knows what else. About the only things the paid programming didn't insinuate on my behalf were erectile dysfunction, pancreatitis, and involvement in Nigerian get-rich-quick schemes.

Thanks, guys. Now I can't even drink my morning coffee without casting a suspicious glance at my breadbasket and mumbling "Why can't my colon read? Errr, I mean, why can't my colon process glucosamine?"