A - Free Zone

Remember when it was popular to declare areas to be something-free zones? Schools set up drug-free zones and weapon-free zones. Various establishments were smoke-free zones. New Zealand and Japan, among others, declared themselves nuclear-free zones. Well, I've decided that I should also declare myself to be a zone free of various things. So let it be known that I am:

A Judd Apatow-Free Zone. His movies never pleased me inordinately and I thought The Forty-Year Old Virgin was overrated, but Stepbrothers? Yeech. Then again...

A Will Farrell-Free Zone. I have nothing against Will Farrell. I just think he's grossly over-exposed; just the other day I had a Hollywood agent call me to see if they could book Will Farrell for my recurring nightmares about cracks opening in the ground and things crawling out.

A Cyrus-Free Zone. Either one of them, though in Miley's defense it must be said she hasn't produced anything akin to Achy Breaky Heart yet.

A 300-Free Zone. The more I think about it, the more I think 300 is among the worst movies ever made. We have little ground squirrels here that I now call 300 squirrels because they move in the same curious combination of fast and slow motion as the Heaped Pectorals did in the movie.

A Bill O'Reilly-Free Zone. I don't know where Nova-M got the clips of him reading from what is apparently a novel he wrote, but they're positively chilling. Each time I hear them, my will to live wanes.

A Sean Hannity-Free Zone. I could actually extend that and declare myself a Right-Wing Blowhard Free Zone. Whatever happened to thinking conservatives like George Will and William F. Buckley? I guess thoughtful conservatism doesn't get good enough ratings; you have be extreme and shrill, like Savage on the subject of autism, to get noticed.

An Asparagus-Free Zone. 'Nuff said.

A Smoke-Free Zone.

A TapouT-Free Zone. I don't know if this is the worst TV show ever made - The Tyra Banks Show probably gives it a run for its money, if nothing else - but it's still pretty damn bad. I wish them luck with their search for the next "MMA badass" and I hope that their search takes them to a very distant continent from which it proves impossible to broadcast a TV signal.

And I think, for now, that that'll do.