Brain Wave

I had a brain wave today. I like to picture this as the two hemispheres of my brain alternately standing up and sitting down, and perhaps throwing their hands in the air if the spirit really moves them.

I went to the bookstore, and as I was haunting the New History section looking for something salacious and juicy about the Julio-Claudian dynasty, I happened to see one of those The Politically Incorrect History of whatever books. They aren't really history. They're usually little more than pro-American, pro-evangelical propaganda wrapped up in a tortilla, and they usually throw in names like Thucydides and Polybius to try to convince us that the book is real history and not just apologia or, even more fun, polemic disguised as scholarship. My favorite cover blurb was the breathless announcement that contrary to all the liberal crap you were taught in school, Jesus was the most important man in western history. And I have to ask, are there actually historians who don't believe that? Jeez, if that's the pinnacle of this book's political incorrectness, we're in for a snore-fest. The question isn't whether Jesus was the most important man who ever lived. The question is whether he was the Son of God, a mortal prophet of God, or just some guy shucking a good story. But the objective facts of his life and the way he changed the world are beyond that sort of questioning; it's the theological ramifications of things that remain debatable.

I flipped through the book and found that it contained sidebars. There's a reason most real history books don't contain sidebars, and that's because arguments designed to make sense of historical events or movements are really hard to boil down to sidebars. Sidebars are for readers who say "Spare me the windy argument and the tedious detail; just hit me with the editorial commentary disguised as a conclusion, please; American Idol is coming on in an hour and I just don't have time for this."

So I read one of these, which purported to explain how Darwin led directly to Hitler. It was really a sad attempt to discredit natural selection and by extension evolution, but the way it read, it seemed to say that Darwin was a closet eugenics fascist who was the actual ideological forefather of all that Immutable Points gibberish the Nazis came up with (though I have to say, I don't remember "Natural Selection" being one of the 25 Immutable Points). It was just an attempt to get Darwin and Hitler to stick together in the minds of uninformed people.

Now, let me sidestep for a moment. I like drinking games. You can draw from that statement whatever conclusion you like, but I enjoy drinking games. I've been in some doozies too, including one that resulted in me wearing a red satin bra on my head for a while.

But it struck me (hence the brain-wave) that this sidebar linking Darwin and Hitler was really an excellent drinking game. Name two historical personages, and then invent a Bullshit Analysis linking them. If your Bullshit Analysis seems convincing, everyone else drinks. If your Bullshit Analysis won't carry water, you take a drink.

So you start out saying "Natural selection leads to eugenics, and THAT is why Darwin presaged Hitler." And all the rational people say "No, your Bullshit Analysis is complete bullshit; let's see you down that tumbler of Popov."

So someone else says "Because they both look horrible in shimmering blue sequined gowns, THAT is why Ethel Merman led to Wesley Snipes." And the crowd thinks about it and says "Yes, there is potential truth in your Bullshit Analysis, so we're going to down our drinks."