Czech Potatoes

I don't speak Czech, and I admit that with some shame because I've always wanted to be fluent in some other language in addition to English, something Continental and vaguely high-falutin (as we say here in The Sticks). I'd be better off learning Spanish, which in Arizona isn't so much an exercise in stretching one's mind as almost a necessity (if only so I could order lunch in Filiberto's without having to use my hands. "A seven. I want a seven. Yes, seven.")

A few weeks ago I ordered some modeling stuff from a specialist company in the Czech Republic. The transaction was extremely satisfactory. He got his pile of koruna and I got my specialist space kits, and all pots were watered. The box was filled with crumpled newspapers, and I'm a sucker for reading newspapers that are used to fill boxes. I used to read a lot of Texas newspapers courtesy of Squadron Mail Order, but since they'd apparently switched to nondescript brown paper I find the coverage of doings in Texas wanting.

So I dug out the Czech newspaper and flipped through it. Here's where my inability to read Czech really becomes shameful, because there are stories I'd like to read. For example, "David Beckham je tvari firmy Gilette." I don't know what it means, but it sounds cool! Or "Evropsky sampionat vynese britskemy obchodu militardu liber". It comes with a photograph that appears to show Tony Blair and some unnamed gentleman scribbing graffitti on the sidewalk outside 10 Downing Street beneath the stern gaze of a British policeman. Wow! Our papers don't have anything like that! Or this small item from "Spojene staty", which I believe to be the United States: "Viceprezidentem Kerryho muze byt McCain". Say that again? The Vice-President is a ho who is considering biting McCain? That's fabulous!

The best part, though, is the ad from a grocery store. It looks just like an ad for an American grocery store, proving that some things really are universal. So what's for sale at the local Lidl grocery store?

Brambory! I think they're spuds, but there they are, brambory! And today 26 percent off! Or how about a nice anana, which seems to be a pineapple? Or a few bunches of lahudkova cibule, today 25 percent off, and a lovely accent to any salad? All this greenery got you down? How about a bottle of Vermouth (I kid you not) and a nap in a festive kempinkova zidle, better known as a lounge chair? (As an aside, I thought Kempinkova was married to Stalin at some point, but what do I know?) Here's a nice roomy stan, or tent, today only 888 koruna. Among its specifications are "pro 3 osoby", which may mean that one can only fit three assholes into it, but I'm just guessing. And finally, "panska dzinova kosile", 199 koruna each, and a bargain at twice the price I'm sure. What are they? Capri pants for men.

All this comes from the "Lidove Noviny" dated Sobota 29, kvetna 2004. If this means what I think it means, it means that the Czech company I ordered the stuff from has been stockpiling newspapers for going on three years.

It's fascinating. Now how much was that Rosetta Stone software again?