Homo Williamensis

I'm thinking of having myself designated an Endangered Species. Can I do that? Do I have the power? I guess I can go ahead and do it; the question is, will anyone honor it? But I think it would have enormous advantages in the long run, being an endangered species. A great many of life's minor annoyances would suddenly turn into potential species-threatening events and my elite team of lawyers would descend on the miscreants like, I don't know, like my cats having a feeding frenzy at the Salmon Bowl.

Consider:

Professional evangelizers appear on my doorstep and ring the doorbell. Alarms go off and Kevlar-clad attorneys descend from the rafters via ropes, shouting "The Endangered Species is taking a nap and waking it suddenly could prove harmful to its health! Now hit the road, Oral, and don't come back."

I go into Taco Bell and order a bean burrito with sour cream. The GBC ("Guy Behind the Counter") says "Why don't you just get a Burrito Supreme; it works out the same." Suddenly my crack staff of nutritionists grab the guy by the collar and say "If the Endangered Species had wanted a Burrito Supreme, it would have ordered one! Now get to pumping the sour cream before we send a chrome-plated subpoena right up your..."

I'm being driven home through heavy traffic, but since I'm in my sound-insulated trailer, I am hardly aware of what's going on. Then, what's that sound? The dull monotonous thumping of pop music?? The radios crackle with commands: "The E.S. is being annoyed by that monotonous thumping; we have permission to fire. Weapons hot!" And a sniper puts a series of bullets through the speakers of the offending car, and peace returns to the Endangered Species Trailer.

The sight of that grim-faced Captain CEO on the Bose TV commercial (you know the one, the one that looks as grave as Teddy Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore as he says "wow") causes me to rise out of my half-sleep, irritated and annoyed at this monstrosity invading my dreams. An elite team of sleep specialists leaps into action. "The Endangered Species is threatening to wake up! Execute Emergency Sleep Plan!" Personal specialists massage my scalp and feet. Someone toasts a cinnamon and brown sugar Pop-Tart to the perfect degree of toastedness. Someone gently wafts cedar incense smoke into the room. Others put on a six-hour Mystery Science Theater compilation and turn the volume down to the perfect level. The Endangered Species drifts back off to sleep while a highly trained Away Team tracks down Captain CEO and, as they say, puts the boots to him "medium-style".

Oh, but I suppose that's all too much to ask for!