Oh, I Didn't Just See That, Did I?

The Pharaoh's Tomb - so it's dusty, the size of a small trailer park, and contains jars of dessicated organs? That sounds appetizing. So by what nickname is her lover's organ known? The Sarcophagus? Howard Carter?

If there's anything worse than waking up and first thing in the morning reading about some celebrity's nickname for her genitalia, it must surely be having nicknames for one's genitalia in the first place. Don't you agree, Sven Veenie?

I should know better than to read celebrity news. It's a delirium of baby bumps, bad hair, bad behavior, Botox and superficiality, but I still read it. Apparently I hate myself.

But I do beg one favor: please, please, stop using the expression "baby bump". Celebrities and yuppies seem to have done a pretty good job of turning babies into accessories - they're not something you raise, but something you show off. I'm all in favor of motherhood. That's how I got here, after all. But this postmodern obsession with babies as status symbols makes me sigh. So what happens when Ms. Celebrity's batch of offspring turn 13 and start to eat everything in the house, break things that cannot normally be broken, cycle rapidly between black despair and frothy self-assurance, whine for days because they, as 13 year olds, do not understand love, and in the same breath refer to you as a Fascist and ask if you can drive them to the mall? Will there be a press conference from Ms. Celebrity where she says "Oh, my preteen rug rats stopped being the sorts of things I could lord over my friends and started to have independent thoughts, so I had them all shot. My rut rats and my friends. Meantime, haven't you noticed that I'm showing? Have you got a good angle to see my baby bump?"

I theorize that if you could somehow convince celebrities that there are adoptable babies on the moons of Saturn, they'd pool their billions and pay for scientists to design a warp drive just so they can pose for photos amid this Saturnian baby population.