Monstervision

Who here remembers that underrated comic genius, Joe Bob Briggs? He used to have a show on one of those early cable super-channels called Monstervision, where he acted as the host for the crappy monster movie du jour. It was sort of like Mystery Science Theater 3000 in overall feel, in that his role was to mock the movie as much as it was to host it. (Once Joe Bob ran for President on what he called the "condom ticket". His stump speech was pretty simple: "I may not be much fun right now, but if you don't use me, you're liable to be in for a nasty surprise later.")

At the end of each movie he had the "Drive-In Totals", where he counted up occurences of various things. Numbers of dead bodies, numbers of gratuitously-displayed dead insects, instances of defenestration, whatever. At the end of each list he would note various acts of -fu, there -fu was meant to demonstrate possession of masterly skill in whatever was being referenced. There was chain saw-fu, chair-fu, Dustbuster-fu, and presumably such things as spaghetti-fu, infrared guidance-fu, and distillery-fu.

With the gone-but-not-forgotten Joe Bob Briggs as my model, I now wish to compile the Drive-In Totals for my most recent chemotherapy, which was so recent that my urine still had the bright red color of Adriamycin.

Bags of fluids: four
Enormous syringes: one
Large syringes: three
Lesser syringes: three
Neulasta syringes: zero
Trips to men's room with IV stand in tow: one
Gratuitous naps: two
Port-fu
Magazine-fu