Something Just For Me

I see the Food Network has a new competition show, something along the lines of The Worst Cook In America. I don't necessarily think I'm the worst cook in America. I'm pretty bad, but not that bad. But somehow I think this show might appeal to me.

When I was single, I was known for making dishes that basically amounted to boxes of macaroni and cheese with "other stuff" thrown in. Always stewed tomatoes, often ground beef, not infrequently diced green chilis. These things turn out surprisingly well - to this day I'm partial to the taste of commercial macaroni and cheese mixed with canned stewed tomatoes. But one day I started to make this substance and discovered that I didn't have stewed tomatoes. After a moment of agonized indecision, I grabbed what I had and threw it in the pot. It was a large can of Chunky split pea soup. The resulting substance looked and tasted just like wet concrete.

Another time (still while I was single) I conceived the idea of making Rice Krispy treats. I didn't have a recipe, but I was never one to let lack of instructional materials hold me back. I knew the basis of the thing was Rice Krispies, which I had, and some sort of melted something or the other. So I melted up a bunch of brown sugar and mixed in the Rice Krispies. When it cooled, it cooled into a brittle glass-like substance that shattered instead of cutting. I tried to cut off a hunk while it was still in the fridge and it exploded violently, more like safety glass than a foodstuff. Shards of Rice Krispy glass flew in every direction. I later found them in the refrigerator drawers, in the butter tray, on the floor... I'm surprised that some of them didn't embed themselves in the ceiling.

I don't know if that qualifies me for the show, but it's still pretty shameful. I can't even blame alcoholic beverage or heavy metal music for it.