The Stand

I've been rereading The Stand of late, the full and uncut version. I can't decide if that makes it sound like tobacco or a male porn star. I guess I shouldn't even say "rereading", since I first read it Way Back When (early 1980s) and I remember basically bubkes about it.

It's a beefy book. As Professor Noble would say, it's a "stout read". My wife was going to throw the book at me for some imaginary transgression before she realized that the book boasted actual poundage and would likely have killed me on impact. And that's the paperback. I imagine one could use the hardcover for a wide range of things. You could throw it in your trunk to serve as ballast on snowy days. You could attach a bench vise to it. You could use it to hold down Lineoleum until the glue grips. You could use it to tamp the fill in a major highway construction project.

I'm prone to a certain pattern when it comes to reading in bed. At first I'm alert and attentive, then I start to drift, then I'm just looking at the words because I'm actually asleep even though I'm still holding the book. Sometimes the book falls out of my nerveless hand. Today The Stand fell out of my nerveless hand and landed on my sternum, which since the surgery isn't very happy with having large heavy books land on it.

Most of the time the books don't fall on me, and instead of being jolted awake, I drift off into blessed slumber, where I usually roll on top of the book and crease it horribly. And the dreams start.

The other day I dreamed that I had killed, butchered and eaten The Stand. I can't remember if it was tasty, but I'll bet it was plenty filling.