Farcebook

Facebook gets a lot of attention these days, especially on the CNN website, where I guess there isn't enough real news to keep the alleged journalists busy so they write stuff about Facebook. I'm not normally in the business of defending Facebook from its detractors, and I sometimes find the gush about "social media" a little nauseating. But sometimes the opposite camp nauseates me a little bit too.

You're talking to a guy at work, and you happen to mention Facebook in passing. AHA! He leaps on the comment.

"I'm not on Facebook," he cries.

"Well, good. As I was saying..."

"No, you don't get it, I'm not on Facebook!"

"I heard you. The point is, if you take the..."

"No, listen to me! I'M NOT ON FACEBOOK, WHICH MEANS I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!"

You don't want to be on Facebook? Then don't be; I don't care either way. But spare me the self-satisfaction, if you would, because being on or off Facebook has nothing really to do with anything except whether you're on or off Facebook.

The implication of these Luddites is that somehow being on Facebook makes me a tool of corporate interests - as though they never buy anything or watch TV commercials. Or being on Facebook somehow exposes my vital bodily fluids to contamination by hackers - as though anything on the Internet is secure and safe. Or that being on Facebook somehow makes me a narcissist who strokes my own ego by having umpteen jillion "Facebook friends", or that being on Facebook somehow makes me a lemming who follows whatever trend comes along.

Yeah. I remember when I was 17 I wouldn't go see Star Wars either because the thought of liking something that was popular bugged me. But then I grew up and realized that it doesn't matter.

So I'm on Facebook, and I use it for my own purposes. If you think that makes me a lemming, or a tool, or a retard, be my guest. But do shut up about it, would you? If you're so insecure that you think not being on Facebook makes you cool, hip or mature, well, you have issues you need to spend some time thinking through.

What I find most amusing is the way these people moan about how "Nobody seems to enjoy face-to-face communication any more, except me." Uh huh. And they're the same guys who sit in their cubicles texting their friends about YouTube videos. I may be a lemming, a tool and a retard, but I can still smell hypocrisy. Or, just about as fun, the guys who say "I prefer the human touch; that's why I use my cell phone." So one artificial means of communication is okay, but another is uncool? Okie doke.

I'm also amused by the people who say "I'm an engineer and I think Facebook sucks because of X, Y and Z." Or "I'm an IT professional and I think Facebook sucks because of X, Y and Z." Or "I'm an MBA and I think Facebook sucks because of X, Y and Z." The implication is that their educational status gives them unique insight into Facebook. Well, I happen to be an engineer, and I know a lot of engineers and MBAs, and I know that some of them believe some frightfully stupid things. So spare me the credentials, would you? You may be an engineer, but you also believe that Croatian troops are massing in Canada to invade the United States... And I happen to be an engineer, and I chat with friends on Facebook about the goofy stuff their cats did. So there.

The "horror story contingent" amuses me too. You run into some guy who says "My cousin posted pictures of himself smoking a huge joint on Facebook, and now he can't get a job. Damn Facebook, damn it to hell!" I don't mean to sound snippy, but how is it Facebook's fault that your cousin is a moron?

Get a grip. Here's a news flash for you: Nobody cares if you aren't on Facebook, and nobody thinks you're smart or cool or hip because you aren't, because ultimately, it just doesn't matter one way or the other.

And now, back to my usual nonsense.