Master Control

"This is Master Control, awaiting instructions."

That line comes from the classic science fiction masterpiece This Island Earth, and is heard just as Exeter, Brac and the lads are about to reach Metaluna in a spaceship that bears a striking resemblance to my hat, especially since it got rained on and flattened out like some kind of kopf-flounder.

Wait a second. Why is Master Control awaiting instructions? Wouldn't Master Control be the source of instructions? That's always bothered me - it seems to represent a complete failure of the Metalunan C3I system (command, control, communications and intelligence). It would be like, say, Napoleon Bonaparte on the eve of some great battle, say, Austerlitz, sending out a strangely-worded order that read "This is Napoleon, awaiting instructions." Non! You are the instructions, cherie!

But it does sort of make me wonder how many Big Damn Deals in Human History have happened because of, or perhaps in spite of, the human frailties of the Honchos. It is said, for example, that Napoleon was suffering from piles at Waterloo and wasn't his usual energetic self. Julius Caesar was said to be epileptic, as was apparently Alexander the Great (I feel bad for his cousin, Alexander the Quite Commonplace). Saladin supposedly had boils in his groin at Acre, and I require no confirmation or further explanation of any sort on that subject. Ulysses S. Grant's worst defeat, Cold Harbor, is occasionally attributed to the fact that Grant was said to be down with a migraine during the battle and had handed operational control over to Meade, and allegation that I imagine makes the Meade supporters gnash their teeth with outrage.

"This is Saladin, with boils in my groin, awaiting instructions."