Same As It Ever Was

I thought I was starting to feel better with the cessation of chemo, but it didn't last. Last night I started to feel pretty bad, and have continued to worsen throughout the day today. The pain in my legs, hands and colon are now as bad as they have ever been, and I'm back to the position of having to dread being more than 90 seconds away from a bathroom.

Isn't fair, isn't fair at all. Barring occasional brief exceptions and fugues where I simply don't notice anything, I've felt like crap since July 4th, 2007, when I had my heart attack and started down this wretched trail. Since then, it's been a fairly unpleasant continuum of surgery, chemotherapy, bone marrow biopsies, illness and fatigue. There's probably a pretty good metal song in there somewhere, if only I could A) write a song, and B) actually play a song. I'd love to get a guitar, a suitably gnarly pedal and an amp and experiment with said song, but NO, I have to pay medical bills. Put that on the list of other stuff to be irritated with.

I don't mean to sound too histrionic. I don't, after all, want to come off sounding like the bipedal equivalent of Staind* or some angst-riddled grunge act whose chief selling feature is a studied inability to cope with anything. I was just looking forward to feeling better, and I was feeling better, but now I'm not feeling better, and it irritates me because I was looking forward to going swimming today and I can't. Oh, I suppose I could, but it wouldn't be prudent...

But all is not lost. I still have my d20 rules to read, the grill will be lit soon, and as it turns out, I'm better at putting up with prolonged fatigue and illness than I thought I would be. And Amorphis still sounds pretty good to me. Soon I'll be switching to Sentenced, but not just yet. So I'm irriated by this downward spiral in my intestinal fortunes, but not crushed. As the Governator would say, Dat vich does not kill me makes me schtronger. Get to de choppah!


* Metal can express a wide range of emotions, but one thing it does not do is whine. Ever. Take that to the bank.